Macro-Questions I - Friends

It’s been a while since I’ve been asking these macro questions to myself. Macro questions? My half baked economics jargon and this visual of me sort of zooming out to look at the bigger picture of life made me come up with that. I think it fits the bill. These questions  seem to find no particular form, and the stray bits of answers that I find only confuse me. This struggle to extract some clarity from my personal little chaos is, in my opinion, essential, and tedious, and a circular process in it that when I ask myself why I need to ask myself these questions, the act itself becomes the largest obstacle to reaching the outcome. But, it is definitely necessary, and the question of why I’m built to think and be this way, I’m trying not to think about.

Here goes number one.

Who are my friends? Who are the ones I can count on? When I go back home these days, I feel something different. Like a few counts of missing intimacy. I used to hold importance in a few people’s lives, or at least I felt so, and I don’t get that feeling anymore. The gravity and the substance of these friendships have been replaced somewhat by hollow greetings and not-so-warm hugs. These hugs last longer, mind you, as if they were trying to reinforce something. Long summer afternoon chats are now mostly awkward silences, with sputtering attempts to bring it back. It. It is what is missing. I can’t put my finger on It. Sorrier thing is, this unwanted feeling now extends to both homes.

I wish I could burn bridges. I wish these guys would just stop pretending. I can’t blame anybody, or be angry about why these people did not wait around for me forever, because, well, nobody does. Their lives aren’t mine. I wish I could do these things though, as an excuse to burning bridges. You can have the truth, but the costs involve a certain amount of loneliness. So, I walk around amongst forced smiles and sit through alcohol-deluded declarations of lifelong friendship, saying over and over in my mind “Yeah, right.” I don’t want to believe it, but I am inclined to believe it when I think that you’re born alone, and you’ll die alone. Everything, or everyone in between is just transitory.

Apotheosis

I fall again and again. Run into walls.

This pain is what must be conquered.

This is my zen.

What do you fear most? 

I walk around, drilling holes in perfect plans.

Holes, so that the sorrow seeps through.

Failure must carve the throne on which I rest my success.

Discipline. There is no rest.

I burn memories for warmth.

Watch love wither and temptation bow.

Inure myself to all emotion.

Reaction is a weakness the strong cannot afford.

This smile is a mask behind which I hide.

Ascetic. Heretic. Frantic chants.

Scars on my chest from this war.

You don’t scare me.

Fear is the last enemy.

This is my zen.

To feel nothing. To fear nothing.

What do you fear most, little one?

Despair, Angst and Ennui (Part 1)

Alright. So I'd mentioned in prior that I'd be putting up some of the stuff that I'd written in the past (generally in periods of despair, angst or ennui). Here is the first chosen piece.

Weakling  II

Walking in the wake,

Over a field of expectations,

Hearing them shatter, with each step taken.

Once loved and respected,

Society’s disposable son,

A fall, and so easily forgotten.

The scars from the past,

The burden of the future,

With the present suffocating in between.

Rib-crushing duties,

Blinding light of hope,

And the void it creates within.

Grimacing that smile,

Putting on the camouflage,

The vicious streets I stride.

Monotony beckons

For me to run its race,

I obey; I am too weak to do otherwise.

So I’m shoved along

The chalk-drawn line of fate

Following on the piper’s tune.

Too weak to wish it away,

I hear myself say,

“Hold on, it’ll be over soon.”

Hello

Hello Boys and Girls,

I create this with the intention of venting, screaming, being a total arsehole, and in the process putting up irrelevant pieces of art that have either been created by me or by someone else. I don't really know how it will go, but it should be fun enough for some.

So cheers. Lets fucking partay.

P.S: I shall leave you with an excerpt from a beautifully written song. Not by me, by Tesseract, one of them pissed of boy bands I listen to. Also attached you'll find a video link to a very classy rendition of the song and some more.

In my mind are the swells that encompass the pain
And the vision of her oh the feelings of pain
And the memories that were now are gone
Why should it have to end this way?
Will they all just turn and forget us?
There’s only one thing left to find, look around
Oh and when my light is lost and spent
Turn the pages
It’s your chosen last book
Gave you everything
All you need to make your decision
Keep these wounds open for you
Now they’re closing.
Scars remind me every moment

Origin - Tesseract.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtAI3BZrNGY